I'm Your Emotional Support Animal by Adam Carolla

Author:Adam Carolla
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: N/A
Publisher: Post Hill Press
Published: 2020-04-17T16:00:00+00:00

I’ve long complained about Olympic fencing, and I have a fix that involves some cultural garb, but first a jag on the sport itself. I realized during the 2012 Olympics, when all we could talk about was swimming and Michael Phelps, that fencing was done. It’s sword fighting. It should have been the most exciting event, but all we were talking about was swimming.

One problem is that it’s over before it begins. The fencers stand eight feet apart, someone hits an airhorn and, by the time you blink, they’re taking their masks off. You don’t even know who won or why. No one ever gets cut, then tastes their own blood and announces, “Now I shall avenge the death of my father!”

I can fix this. First, you know how there’s a compulsory part in skating, when the skaters have to pull off certain moves? We should do the same with fencing. To start, the fencers would have to slice all the candles off a candelabra, followed by the part in which they flip their opponent’s sword to him with their foot after he drops it. Then they would close by putting a “Z” in the opponent’s shirt without cutting him, and slashing a rope to drop a chandelier that traps eight henchmen.

Here’s my second solution, which I am genuinely in love with. This is not a joke. We should make the Olympian fencers wear the garb and use the weapons associated with their nation’s history. How high would the ratings be if instead of two guys in beekeeper costumes, it was a contender from Japan in a Samurai kimono with a katana going up against a Norwegian athlete wearing a Viking helmet and a fur vest and wielding a battle axe? A French Olympian would be dressed as the fourth Musketeer with a thin, pointed blade, while a Saudi competitor would be holding a giant scimitar and wearing the outfit of the guy who got shot by Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

I know this could work. It would have to, because right now Olympic fencing is less interesting to watch than Mexican day laborers putting up actual fencing.

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